time goes by way too fast

I am amazed at how fast time goes by. Since turning 19 I feel like my life has flown by. When I moved to New York--my life went into fast forward. From 23 to 33 in no time. Then I moved back to Dallas. Surely my life would slow down a bit here. No, the opposite happened.

I think about where I came from, what I have accomplished, my regrets, my proud moments. I send myself into a panic about what I haven't yet done in life. I want to visit Berlin, Argentina, explore Easter Island, go to Iceland. The list goes on. I want all that--then whoa...I want a family...I think. But must I sacrifice one for the other? I think the answer is yes. I have to.

There are days I feel like I am 21. Then there are days I feel like an old lady. Yesterday was one of those days . I was in a lingerie store looking for a bridal shower gift. I passed a mirror, and maybe it was because it was after work, I haven't been sleeping well, I have a million excuses for everything, but I just looked so tired and worn-out. It gave me a very uneasy feeling. I felt sorta sad, yet not necessarily depressed. Confused, maybe.

A few weeks ago I attended a concert. I handed the young fellow at the door my ID to check. After eyeing my birthdate he said in disbelief "Wow...you look really young." I was flattered. At first. Then as I often do, mulled it over a million times in my head. Disected this statement and analyzed it from many directions. What he was really saying was, "Man you're old, but you don't look as old as you are!" I have to laugh.

Just yesterday I was 19. Young, naive and at a concert. Any concert...it didn't really matter. Driving around in my maroon Dodge Shadow. Looking for someone to love and for someone to love me, but scared to actually experience that emotion. I miss the drama and I don't miss the drama that went along with that age.

there is a party in my car

On our morning commute we often stop by the Starbucks drive-thru to get our caffeine on.

Lately, and I shit you not, this seems to be the conversation between myself and the jovial Starbucks fellow EVERY SINGLE FREAKING MORNING:

Jovial Starbucks guy: Hi there, can I interest you in a dolce latte today?

Me: No...no...can I just get two grande Iced-Americanos please, with just a little cream?

Jovial Starbucks guy: Sure--Wow it sounds like you are about to have a party in your car!

Me: Huh?...yeah...heh heh (nervous laughter while I check the back seat to see if there is a party in my car that I have somehow missed).

I mean this is everyday! Everyday! At first I was perplexed...well shit...I still am really or I wouldn't be writing this. Sometimes he does it when I am still at the speaker and other times he waits till I pull around to get my order at the window. And I know it is not my music playing, because often I listen to NPR in the morning and if not NPR, the volume is turned way down (almost off) because I am trying to place my order.

So what to make of this?

the rain

I love the rain. I missed the storms Texas could muster up my ten years in New York. Never once did it storm there like it can here. I like to turn everything off and listen to it pour--the thunder and the lightning. It is the best sleep.

Tonight I am thankfully alone and it is coming down hard. I could liesten to this forever.