time goes by way too fast

I am amazed at how fast time goes by. Since turning 19 I feel like my life has flown by. When I moved to New York--my life went into fast forward. From 23 to 33 in no time. Then I moved back to Dallas. Surely my life would slow down a bit here. No, the opposite happened.

I think about where I came from, what I have accomplished, my regrets, my proud moments. I send myself into a panic about what I haven't yet done in life. I want to visit Berlin, Argentina, explore Easter Island, go to Iceland. The list goes on. I want all that--then whoa...I want a family...I think. But must I sacrifice one for the other? I think the answer is yes. I have to.

There are days I feel like I am 21. Then there are days I feel like an old lady. Yesterday was one of those days . I was in a lingerie store looking for a bridal shower gift. I passed a mirror, and maybe it was because it was after work, I haven't been sleeping well, I have a million excuses for everything, but I just looked so tired and worn-out. It gave me a very uneasy feeling. I felt sorta sad, yet not necessarily depressed. Confused, maybe.

A few weeks ago I attended a concert. I handed the young fellow at the door my ID to check. After eyeing my birthdate he said in disbelief "Wow...you look really young." I was flattered. At first. Then as I often do, mulled it over a million times in my head. Disected this statement and analyzed it from many directions. What he was really saying was, "Man you're old, but you don't look as old as you are!" I have to laugh.

Just yesterday I was 19. Young, naive and at a concert. Any concert...it didn't really matter. Driving around in my maroon Dodge Shadow. Looking for someone to love and for someone to love me, but scared to actually experience that emotion. I miss the drama and I don't miss the drama that went along with that age.